Why did the poor dog chase his own tail ?
He was trying to make both ends meet
Outside of a dog, a man's best friend is a book; inside of a dog, it is very dark.
--Groucho Marx.
Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls ...
--Phillis Diller
Histories are more full of examples of the fidelity of dogs than of friends.
--Alexander Pope 1688-1744 English Poet.
What do you get if you cross a sheepdog with a rose?
A collie-flower !
Why wasn't the dog hurt when he fell off a 100-foot ladder?
He fell from the bottom rung.
"Properly trained, a man can be dog's best friend"
Corey Ford, American writer
Q: What's on top of a dog house?
A: Roof! Roof!
Q: What do dogs have that no other animal has?
A: Puppy dogs!
MIND GAMES DOGS PLAY WITH HUMANS:
After your humans give you a bath, DON'T LET THEM TOWEL DRY YOU! Instead, run to their bed, jump up and dry yourself off on the sheets. This is especially good if it's right before your humans bedtime.
Act like a convicted criminal. When the humans come home, put your ears back, tail between your legs, chin down and act as if you have done something really bad. Then, watch as the humans frantically search the house for the damage they think you have caused. (Note: This only works when you have done absolutely nothing wrong.)
Let the humans teach you a brand new trick. Learn it perfectly. Then the humans try to demonstrate it to someone else, stare blankly back at the humans. Pretend you have no idea what they're talking about.
Make your humans be patient. When you go outside to go pee, sniff around the entire yard as your humans wait. Act as if the spot you choose to go pee will ultimately decide the fate of the earth.
Draw attention to the human. When out for a walk always pick the busiest, most visible spot to go poop. Take your time and make sure everyone watches. This works particularly well if your humans have forgotten to bring a plastic bag.
When out for a walk, alternate between choking and coughing every time a strange human walks by.
Make your own rules. Don't always bring back the stick when playing fetch with the humans. Make them go and chase it once in a while.
Hide from your humans. When your humans come home, don't greet them at the door. Instead, hide from them, and make them think something terrible has happened to you. (Don't reappear until one of your humans is panic-stricken and close to tears).
When your human calls you to come back in, always take your time. Walk as slowly as possible back to the door.
Wake up twenty minutes before the alarm clock is set to go off and make the humans take you out for your morning pee. As soon as you get back inside, fall asleep. (Humans can rarely fall back asleep after going outside, this will drive them nuts!)
A man enters a pet store and asks: "Have you got any dogs going cheap?"
The pet store clerk says: "No sir, all our dogs go woof."
The man says: "Seriously, I would like a puppy for my son."
The pet store clerk says: "Sorry, sir, we don't swap."
From the Vancouver Sun ~ " City Limits"
Did you hear about the dyslexic atheist? He didn't believe in DOG. Author unknown
Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac who stays up all night wondering if there really is a Dog? Unknown
Cat's motto No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it. Unknown
How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?
Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.
Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out light bulb?
Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!
Toy Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
Rottweiler: Make me.
Shi-tzu: Puh-leeze, dah-ling. Let the servants. . . .
Lab: Oh, me, me!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Can I?
Malamute: Let the Border collie do it. You can feed me while he's busy.
Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.
Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
Doberman Pinscher: While it's dark, I'm going to sleep on the couch.
Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeeky toys in the dark.
Mastiff: Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.
Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.
Irish Wolfhound: Can somebody else do it? I've got this hangover....
Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there........
Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?
Australian Shepherd: First I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle...
Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? That thing I just ate was a light bulb?
Westie: Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs, I am not one of THEM, so the question is, how long will it be before I can expect my light?
Hound: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Dog letter to God:
Dear God, If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog? Unknown
New CKC & AKC Breeds
The CKC & AKC now recognizes the following breeds:
- Collie + Lhasa Apso
Collapso - A dog that folds up for easy transport.
- Spitz + Chow Chow
Spitz-Chow - A dog that throws up a lot.
- Pointer + Setter
Poinsetter - A traditional Christmas pet.
- Great Pyrenees + Dachshund
Pyradachs - A puzzling breed.
- Pekingese + Lhasa Apso
Peekasso - An abstract dog.
- Irish Water Spaniel + English Setter
Irish Springer - A dog fresh and clean as a whistle.
- Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever
Lab Coat Retriever - The choice of research scientists.
- Newfoundland + Basset Hound
Newfound Asset Hound - A dog for financial advisers.
- Terrier + Bulldog
Terribull - A dog that makes awful mistakes.
- Bloodhound + Labrador Retriever
Blabador - A dog that barks incessantly.
- Malamute + Pointer
Moot Point - Owned by... oh, well, it doesn't matter.
- Collie + Malamute
Commute - A dog that travels to work.
- Deerhound + Terrier
Derriere - A dog that's true to the end.
- Bull Terrier + Shih Tzu
Oh, never mind...
How do you catch a runaway dog ?
Hide behind a tree and make a noise like a bone ! How To Photograph A New Puppy
1. Remove film from box and load camera.
2. Remove film box from puppy's mouth and throw in trash.
3. Remove puppy from trash and brush coffee grounds from muzzle.
4. Choose a suitable background for photo.
5. Mount camera on tripod and focus.
6. Find puppy and take dirty sock from mouth.
7. Place puppy in pre-focused spot and return to camera.
8. Forget about spot and crawl after puppy on knees.
9. Focus with one hand and fend off puppy with other hand.
10. Get tissue and clean nose print from lens.
11. Take flash cube from puppy's mouth and throw in trash.
12. Put cat outside and put peroxide on the scratch on puppy's nose.
13. Put magazines back on coffee table.
14. Try to get puppy's attention by squeaking toy over your head..
15. Replace your glasses and check camera for damage.
16. Jump up in time to grab puppy by scruff of neck and say, "No, outside! No, outside!"
17. Call spouse to clean up mess.
18. Fix a drink.
19. Sit back in Lazy Boy with drink and resolve to teach puppy "sit/stand" and "stay" the first thing in the morning.
20. Consider buying "older, trained" dog.
Author Unknown
A Dog Called "Sex"
Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot". I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex. He said, "I would like to have one too!" Then I said, "But she is a dog!" He said he didn't care what she looked like. I said, "You don't understand. ... I have had Sex since I was nine years old." He replied, --You must have been quite a strong boy."
When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex." He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding.
The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family is barred from the church from then on.
When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said, "You don't understand. ... sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me too!"
One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets. "You don't understand," I said, "I hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show off.
When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married." The Judge said, "Me too!"
Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said, "I'm looking for Sex." -- My case comes up next Thursday.
Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw. Why just the other day-when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?" I replied, "Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me for ever. I couldn't live any longer so lonely." and the doctor said, "Look mister, you should understand that sex isn't a man's best friend so get yourself a dog." Author unknown
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